What Is Imago? Unlock the Secrets to a Fulfilling and Conscious Relationship. Part 1

Introduction

Relationships are at the heart of human experience, yet they often present challenges that can leave couples feeling disconnected, frustrated, or stuck. Whether it's communication breakdowns, recurring conflicts, or a loss of intimacy, these issues can erode the foundation of even the most vital partnerships. This is where Imago Couples Therapy offers a beacon of hope, providing a structured and compassionate framework to heal wounds, foster understanding, and reignite the passion that brought couples together in the first place.

‍

Why We’re Here: The Deep Human Need for Connection and Joy

Recently, during my Imago Relationship Practitioner training, I experienced a profound realisation. I understood that much of my life's quest—over 30 years of searching, exploring, and seeking—has been about discovering and restoring a sense of deep connection. This connection makes us feel fully alive, joyful, and complete.

We humans are inherently wired for connection. It's not just a desire but a fundamental need that drives us to connect with our true selves, partners, children, others, nature, and the spirit of life itself. Without this connection, the world feels dark, empty, and unwelcoming.

From the moment we take our first breath, we seek a safe and meaningful connection with others. As we grow, we yearn for the relationships of our dreams—those that bring us true fulfilment and a sense of belonging. Understanding this need for connection is at the heart of what it means to live a joyful and fulfilling life.

‍

Why You Should Read This Post

This article aims to provide you with a clear, straightforward overview of the Imago relationship therapy framework. You'll learn about its core principles, key concepts, and the benefits it offers. Additionally, we'll introduce practical tools that you can use to transform and heal your relationship.

‍

What you will discover:

‍Part 1

• What Imago Relationship Therapy is
•  The origin and development of Imago Relationship Therapy
• The three core pillars of Imago Therapy for a fulfilling partnership
• The importance of safety in fostering genuine human connection
• What Imago Dialogue is, and why it's essential to a happy relationship
• Structure of Imago Dialogue

Part 2

• Understanding what hinders happiness in relationships
• Main concepts of Imago Relationship Therapy
• Three primary skills/practices for restoring connection
• Five Steps to Conscious Relationship
• The unique approach of Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT)
• Benefits of Imago Therapy
• Helpful tips
• How to get started
• Links to other helpful resources

‍

Neuroscience Findings on Relationships and Health

Neuroscience research suggests a strong link between healthy relationships and better health outcomes. Studies have found that individuals in satisfying relationships tend to have lower levels of stress hormones, which can positively impact immune function. Supportive social ties reduce the risk of infectious diseases and speed up recovery from illness.

‍

What is Imago Relationship Therapy?

Imago Relationship Therapy (ICT) is a form of relationship and couples therapy that focuses on relational counselling to transform conflicts between couples into opportunities for healing and growth.

Developed by Dr Harville Hendrix and Dr Helen LaKelly Hunt in the 1980s, this approach is grounded in the belief that unresolved issues often influence our intimate relationships from our past and unresolved childhood trauma.

‍

The Origin of Imago Relationship Therapy

About 40 years ago, Harville and Helen, while in a struggling second relationship, asked the question: Why do couples fight? Why does the dream become a nightmare? These questions propelled them on the quest and research process that birthed Imago Couples therapy, which has revolutionised the way professionals work with couples who want to change their relationships with their partners and have the relationships of their dreams. 

More than 2,500 therapists have practised the Imago approach for 30 years in 59 countries. The founders have appeared 18 times on The Oprah Show, and their book "Getting the Love You Want" sold 4 million copies.

‍

The 3 Core Pillars of Imago Therapy for a Fulfilling Partnership

‍

‍

Core  Aliveness

The ultimate goal of this relational therapy is to help people re-experience their core fundamental self, which is fully alive, present, and loving. In order to do that in an experiential and embodied way, there must be Connection and Safety.

When you feel reconnected to this part of your being, you get a sense of coming home and feeling whole, loving, and healing. It is the place that lives within every human being, free of duality, limiting beliefs, dense emotions, separation and judgment. It has potency and heightened charge that will change you forever if you get a sense of it, even for a second. You will not be the same person. What is most valuable when touching this is that the natural and deep healing of past and disowned psychological parts can be reunited into our being, enlivening your human body with more passion, creativity, clarity and joy of life.

Connection

Human relationships and co-regulation are paramount for humans' survival and thrive, and they are a biological imperative for sustaining life.

Anything that is "connecting" is Imago, connecting is our essence and relating is our nature", according to Harville, and it is the second pillar of Imago Therapy that arises only in the space of safety and a regulated nervous system. The search for connecting begins in the early school years, and then in adolescence, we start looking for romantic love. When we find it, we feel empowered and high on love hormones such as oxytocin, serotonin and dopamine; we are so giving, compassionate and blissful. All of a sudden, we are happy, creative, full of energy, and more beautiful than ever in our entire lives. After the romantic phase wears off and every couple moves into a power struggle, we want to recreate that connection state, but nobody tells us how. Imago Therapy offers the tools and steps to achieve a conscious and loving relationship.

This modality offers ways of experiencing your core aliveness through connecting to your partner. Achieving this is only possible when safety is present, as it is the third crucial pillar. Without safety, there is no connection because biology, rooted in the old reactive part of the brain, triggers survival responses and disconnects.

‍

Deb Dana: "We come into this world wired for connection. Our autonomic nervous system never stops needing and longing for a co-regulated relationship."

‍

Safety: Why is it paramount to connect with others?

Safety is the cornerstone of experiencing genuine human connection, deeply rooted in Polyvagal Theory and supported by Dr. Daniel Siegel's neurobiology research on the triune brain.

Polyvagal Theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, highlights how our nervous system constantly scans for safety and danger, impacting our ability to connect with others. When we feel safe, our social engagement system is activated, allowing for open and meaningful interactions.

Dr. Siegel's work elaborates on this by explaining how the three parts of our brain—the brainstem (survival), the limbic system (emotions), and the cortex (thinking)—must work in harmony. When we feel secure, these brain regions align, enabling us to form more profound, more empathetic connections.

This harmonious state fosters a sense of calm and trust, creating the perfect environment for effective communication, love and intimacy to flourish. Understanding these scientific insights helps us appreciate safety's profound role in nurturing our relationships and emotional well-being and healing our wounds.

‍

Mastering the Imago Intentional Dialogue: A Key Relationship Skill

Harville says, "Talking is the most dangerous thing couples can do, and listening is the most infrequent".

It is a common experience in couples' lives where "casual conversation" escalates and explodes into a heated argument. During an argument, Helen said after being together for seven months, "Stop! One of us talks, and the other listens and takes turns." That was the discovery of the most profound, practical, and effective tool to create immediate results in how people communicate.

The most unexpected consequence of using this framework in communication is the creation of safety, which helps people relax their defence mechanisms, become vulnerable and present, and connect on a deeper level.

What is Imago Dialogue?

At the fundamental level, Imago Dialogue is two people having a conversation, taking turns talking without criticising and blaming, listening without judging and connecting beyond different life perspectives.

At a deeper level, this way of communicating creates a safe emotional and physical environment that promotes neuro-physiological relaxation, a regulated central nervous system, and the integration of a three-part brain system that promotes connection and social engagement.

At the deepest level, this Dialogue becomes a transformational process that helps overcome differences and polarisation, ignites the deep healing of childhood wounds, and fulfils unmet needs from the developmental stage.

When couples experience emotional connection and safety, they tap into the original sensation of aliveness, true joy, and a state of wonder and awe.

Important: Imago Dialogue is the most crucial skill set couples can learn due to its profound power of transformation and healing. Using this tool will save your marriage or relationship from painful experiences, arguments, emotional burnouts and separation. 

‍

The Key Elements of the Imago Dialogue

Every Dialogue consists of a Sender (speaker) and Receiver (listener), and it includes a three-step process.

‍

‍

‍

Mirroring: accurately reflecting back the content of the Sender's message without changing anything.

‍

Validating: simply recognising and acknowledging the Sender's point of view or experience. It is about crossing the bridge to your partner's world and seeing it through their eyes.

‍

Empathising: feeling the emotions and feelings that the Sender might feel, closing the emotional gap and creating a connection

Additionally, each step contains specific "sentence stems" prompted by a therapist and finished by the Sender, which help deepen the couple's connection, maintain the flow, and keep the focus.

‍

Important: Practising Dialogue and mastering it is the therapeutic process, not the content the couples want to discuss. In other words, staying with the process and how couples communicate creates the bridge to safety, connection, and healing. It is not about what the couples say. Maintaining the structure of the Imago dialogue guarantees a successful outcome, making all conversations, even the most difficult ones, safe and healing.

‍

Examples of a Dialogue Using Appreciations by Harville and Helen

Watch Harville and Helen`s short video: "The Imago Process" using dialogue with appreciations.

Watch Harville and Helen 60 min interview, including modelling Imago Dialogue: "Strenghten Your Relationship While Sheltering in Place".

‍

Continue reading: What Is Imago? Unlock the Secrets to a Fulfilling and Conscious Relationship. Part 2

‍

More Resources

• If you're ready to explore how Imago Therapy can help you and your partner strengthen your bond and create a more fulfilling relationship, consider reaching out to me to schedule our first 1-hour session by visiting: www.re-connected.com/
• Visit Harville and Helen's official website for insights and articles by the founders of Imago Therapy: https://harvilleandhelen.com/
• Dive into their best-selling book, Getting the Love You Want – A Guide for Couples. It outlines practical strategies and exercises to enhance your relationship
• Find a certified Imago therapist near you through the Imago UK directory
• Discover workshops and events tailored to couples or individuals seeking to deepen their connection on the Official UK Imago Website.